Sa Binondo

Sabi ng karatula, Seiko: Modern Masters
of Time, at napatingin ako sa relong nabili
sa Divisoria, kalahating oras lang ang nakalipas.
Oo, hindi ito Seiko, pero ako ang Amo
Ng Panahon, at dito, may dalawang babaeng
pinag-aagawan ang gusgusing lalaking nakasuot
ng tsalekong pang-taglamig, at may tanod
na nanonood lang habang ngising-asong sumisilip
sa relo. Dito, kumakain ako ng siopao, at doon,
naglalakad ako. Siyempre, ang lahat ng ito'y
nangyayari nang wala ka, at hawak ko ang talaan
ng mga dapat sanang pupuntahan. Halimbawa,
may masarap na siomai dito, at heto naman
ang pinakamagaling magluto ng kikiam.
At dadalawin ko silang lahat. Titingin ako
sa relo, at dahil nabili ko ito sa halagang
sandaang piso, ay iisiping mali naman
ang panahon, at Ako Ang Amo Nito, at Ako
Ang Magbibigay-Kahulugan Dito. Ako
na naglalakad sa Binondo, kumakain ng siopao,
at akong naka-tsaleko, pinag-aagawan
ng dalawang babaeng dala ang iyong mukha,
at maglalakad hanggang simbahan ni San Lorenzo,
at magsisindi ng insenso nang ang panahon
ay bumaligtad at ika'y makita ko rito, sa tabi ko,
naglalakad sa Quiapo, patungong Binondo.

Happy-rock / sad bastard music exponents Brokensauce are coming out with their first EP, "I SMELL GALERA!", consisting of the following kick-ass tracks:

- Menor
- Tangkay
- Lucid Dreaming
- Philcoa
- Concrete

The launch party features performances by Gapos, Marfcreature, Satellites, Jen Italia and more!

PhP 120 gets you in with a free copy of the CD and a drink. Kitakits y'all on Dec 19, 2008 at 9 Mile Bar, Kalayaan Ave., Quezon City!

Brokensauce is:

Rey Domingo - Guitars
Mic Narciso - Guitars/Vocals
Jonar Sabilano - Vocals/Bass
Enzo Tanos - Drums

Yes, this entry will be about her. Well, not all about her, but will talk about that person, maybe in passing. This entry has just started writing itself.
 
***
 
What were you doing one year ago?
 
December 2, 2007. I was sprawled on the couch, wheezing. I’d just come home from the company party, where I had a beer to many, had to get nebulized at the rented ambulance. Woke up at 4 AM, found myself out of breath, dragged my ass out of the house and into a tricycle, then into the FEU Hospital emergency room.
 
Later that night, I’d get myself admitted into the hospital, cringing at every needle piercing my skin.
 
***
 
I’m writing this on MS Word. I hate how Word turns the ***’s into a line of square blocks every time I press Enter. I hate pressing Ctrl-Z to undo the transformation.
 
***
 
Me, P., and my kid sister caught Twilight last Saturday. To my sister, it was The Best Movie Ever; to me and P., though, we’d seen better. Still, I had to gush about the movie when me and my sister got home, just to make people envious.
 
P. still has her work cut out for her, although she’s making a lot of progress along those lines. Things are not back to pre-Company days, but I doubt if I’ll ever want to go back there, considering that she says things were getting a bit unhealthy. I have to agree.
 
Still, P., that weekend was good for both of us, tears, entries and lack of sleep notwithstanding.
 
***
 
Sunday at the studio:
 
Having finished recording the tracks for the I Smell Galera EP (more on that on my next entry), Brokensauce decided to devote Sunday night to practicing and writing new stuff. Mic came with this song called “Sway”, which, he claims, is designed to get girls swooning and into a state of heat, or something to that effect. It ACTUALLY is a sweet song, with a 3/4 beat and gradually leading up to a climactic break, then a solo to end all solos.
 
Yours truly came with a bundle of scratch paper and a pen, and started writing lyrics for “Quirino Highway”, “Diliman Dub”, and “Anne Curtis”. The first tells of a Philcoa-moment-in-Novaliches, like I texted Mic barely over a month ago; the third is about escaping from a fantasy world into everyday life.
 
Hi, my name is Everyday, and I’m nobody’s escape
Everybody wants to go away and go running in the rain
So let’s go walking in the sun instead
 
However, it’s the second track that’s got me all hyped up. For once, I got to write something remotely close to erotica; for once, I finally got to write something not related to the Events Of The Past Four Months. The last two tracks are not in anyway related to The Events, although the third does mention it in passing, and so does not count as Sad Bastard Music.
 
Enzo also came in equipped with “Kuya”, which tells of being too old to be even considered a partner to someone one likes very much. Enzo decided to stop being the butt of jokes this time around, which is a good sign for the band and himself as a person.
 
In between songs, we went downstairs to shoot pictures for the EP launch poster. Mando hasn’t uploaded the pics yet, but I expect to get them before the week ends. I’m thinking about commandeering the office laser printer for CD jackets, but I’ll be hush-hush about that.
 
More on the EP later.
 
***
 
Demmet. I had to press Ctrl-Z again. Demmet.
 
I keep on wondering, What would life be if we had an option to press Ctrl-Z on every mistake we made? P. has an answer to that: Easy is boring.
 
Boring, it is. Painful, it is. Then again, life, it is.
 
***
 
Alea iacta est. The die is cast.
 
Hindi sa nagtatampo ako, o nag-o-overreading ako, pero ganoon talaga, e.
 
What do you do when your signals get crossed? Hahayaan mo na lang bang tuluyang mawala, kahit nakita mong kumakapit pa?

Saan ba ako magsisimula?

Ah, dito.

***

Natuloy kami ni Aaron sa Shotlist noong isang araw. Sa wakas, nalaman ko na rin ang pangalan ng serbesang-nakakasira-ng-buhay: Oettinger. Suwabe, manamis-namis (may aftertaste na mais) -- at 8.9% ang alcohol content.

Kaya siguro sumakit ang likod ko kinabukasan. Walang hangover, pero para naman akong tinatapakan ng isang pulutong ng elepante... na may kargang Armand James Simbulan. Tatlo pa sila.

Makabili nga ng isang kahon. Baka iba naman ang epekto next time.

***

Alam mo naman siguro kung saan ako papunta rito. Sabi nga ni Mic, T*t* ka, Jonar, ang emo mo. Pero, ewan ko -- hindi naman ako nagsusuot ng itim, maliban na lang kung nakakurbata ako, at hindi ako nagpapatato ng tala o luha sa mukha. Alam mo na rin siguro kung ano ang gagawin ko rito: Oo, magtatanong ako, at puwede mong piliin kung sasagutin mo, o hindi na. Malamang, alam mo na ring nagugutom ako ngayon, at kapag nakakadama ng gutom/takot/pagkabagot ang isang tao, hindi mo siya mapipigilan sa pag-iisip ng kung ano.

***

Nakalagay sa entry mo: Huling nakaaway -- Jonar.

Aaminin ko, nagkamali ako sa pagtatanong. Dapat hindi ko tinanong sa mismong sandaling iyon. Alam kong napapagod ka na, ubos na ang lakas mo sa trabaho, at heto, hindi man lang ako nakatulong. Nakita ko ang pagod na iyon sa mga daliri mong nagdurugo, sa mga bubog ng basong basag, sa mga reta-retaso ng mga puso natin.

Retaso. Nakasulat nga pala ako ng kanta tungkol sa retaso. Or rather, tungkol sa Quirino Highway, kung saan sumakay ako noong Sabado patungong Cubao, natrapik, at nakakita ng mamang nagbebenta ng mga trapo sa mga tsuper. Sa Quirino ko rin naalala ang mga sinabi mo, at ang mga hindi mo nasabi. Sa Quirino ako naging emo. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko, Heto na nga, Jonar, tapos na nga ang lahat, at nagpigil ako, at nabigo sa pagpipigil.

Pagliko namin sa Mindanao, bumuhos/umagos/tumulo/dumanak ang luha. Hindi naman ako humagulgol, katulad ng mga nakita mo sa akin dati, pero ang hirap kasi nito; hindi ako masanay bumiyahe nang hindi nagpapaalam sa iyo, at may ngiti, at may yakap, at may halik.

***

Sabi mo rin kanina, mahalaga ang huling taong nakahawakan mo ng kamay.

Ano nga ba ang "halaga", kung tutuusin? Sabi mo rin minsan, maybe you forgot about all the things that you miss. Sige na nga, si Kid Rock 'yun, hindi ikaw. Pero ikaw pa rin. Kung kanino mo sinasabi iyon noon, hindi na ako magtatanong.

Noong gabi ng Sabado, nagtext ka. Hindi ka naman nagmakaawa, pero humingi ka ng paumanhin. Ng pasensya. At siguro, nagpaalam ka na nga rin.

Hindi ko alam, P.; ultimong ako, hindi rin makahinga sa dalawang oras ng pag-uusap na iyon. Oo't pinakawalan mo na nga ang matagal mo nang dapat pinakawalan. Nakita ko kahapon. At malamang, dapat ko ring makita ngayon at bukas at magpakailanman. Siguro, may tagabulag sa akin, mayroon akong suot na piring, pero ilang beses ko ring hinuhubad, at masasabi ko ito sa iyo: nasanay na rin ako sa gabi. Nasanay na rin ako sa mga bagay na nakikita ko. Nasanay na rin ako hanggang umabot na ito sa puntong hindi na ako nakakadama ng ginaw tuwing may kuwit sa halip ng tuldok, tuwing hindi binubuo ang mga pangungusap, tuwing hindi mahigpit ang pagkakahawak sa kamay.

Pero, sige, mahalaga ang huling taong nakahawakan mo ng kamay.

Maniniwala ako dahil ito ang sinasabi mo.

Hindi na ako magtatanong.

***

Mukha namang walang nagpaalam; laging may narito. Nilagay mo pa ang pangalan ko sa talaan ng pinakamalalapit na kaibigan mo. Natutuwa ako, dahil nakasama na rin ako doon, kahit papaano, sa wakas. Mas madalas kong makita 'yung isa, oo, pero natutuwa pa rin ako, dahil kasama pa rin ako, at mahalaga nga ako sa iyo. Maniniwala na nga ako, hindi ba? Hindi naman ako lumayo; nandito lang naman ako. Pero, katulad nga ng iceberg na nabanggit ko sa isa pang entry, nagkakalayo tayo sa isa't isa. Hindi naman ito kasalanan ng kung sino sa atin, kundi ng dagat, at ng pag-agos nito.

Ganoon talaga, e. Lalayo at lalayo dahil ang dagat na mismo ang nagsasabi. Hindi naman akong taong marunong lumangoy; isa akong iceberg, tuod at walang magawa kundi lumayo, magpaanod sa mga alon, magpadala sa mga maiinit na lugar at tuluyang matunaw at maging bahagi ng dagat na aagos patungo sa iyo.

Siguro, doon tayo muling magtatagpo. Pero, baka hindi mo na ako kilala pagdating ng panahon. Tubig na ako; yelo ka. Hindi tayo talo.

***

Sinulat ko ang nakaraang section sa ulo ko, Sabado nang gabi, at kagabi, sa MRT pauwi, at dito, sa opisina. Kaya mahal na mahal ko ang MRT. Nakakapag-isip ako nang hindi nakakarinig ng mga busina. Sige na nga, minsan nakakapag-isip ako nang mas mabuti kung may kasamang ingay. Pero sa pagkakataong ito, mas gusto kong tanging ugong lang ng MRT ang naririnig ko.

Pansinin mo: isa akong taong marunong lumangoy. Hindi ako tuod at malamig at basta-basta nagpapadala sa agos. Kaya kong hindi lumayo. Kilala mo ako, P. Hindi ako sumusuko nang basta-basta. Nakayanan ko noong Sabado; itong mga nalalabing araw ng linggo pa kaya? Yakang-yaka.

Ikaw, marunong kang lumangoy, di ba? Nakita ko sa Quezon yun. Matagal ka na ngang hindi nakakalangoy sa swimming pool, pero marunong ka naman, di ba?

Lumangoy ka naman, utang na loob.

***

Sabi mo, Matagal ko nang dapat pinakawalan.

Sabi ko, Parang hawak mo pa rin.

Pero, sige, katulad nga ng sinasabi ko kanina pa, hindi na ako magtatanong.

Kibit-balikat na lang ang makikita mo sa akin.

Peace of mind, baby, peace of mind.

Napansin ko lang: matagal na pala akong hindi sumusulat sa Filipino, mapa-blog man o tula. Kaya ngayon, babalik ako sa sinimulan.

***

Nakapatay ang aircon dito sa opisina. Sabi ni Kathy, nagloloko raw, kaya tinawagan niya ang Facilities Management. Kaninang tanghali pa niya yata tinawag. Nag-training na ako sa kabilang gusali at nakabalik dito, wala pa rin.

Gusto ko tuloy umakyat papuntang Baguio. Hindi na rin ako makapaghintay sa Disyembre at ang biyahe namin papuntang Sagada, kahit na dalawang araw lang iyon at hindi pa sapat para makapunta doon at makauwi nang buhay.

***

Buhay.

Pansinin mo -- ibahin lang ang impit, nag-iiba na ang kahulugan. BU-hay; bu-HAY.

Maaari kang maging bu-HAY kahit na hindi nakakadama ng BU-hay.

Sa Ingles, feel alive, but empty.

***

Walang laman ang baso ko ngayon, dahil nga kagagaling ko lang sa training. Iniiwan ko kasi ang mga gamit ko dito sa ilalim ng mesa kapag lumalabas. Wallet at cellphone lang ang dinadala, at minsan, ballpen.

***

Wala na ring laman ang ballpen na dala ko. Naubusan ng tinta.

Tinanong ako ni Grand Old Man of Poetics noong isang araw, Aba, Jonar, hindi ka na rin yata nakakatula. Parang pumayat ka pa. Sabi ko, Shabu. Pero seryoso po, hindi rin ako nakakakain nang tama dahil lagi akong ginagabi sa trabaho.

Totoo naman talaga, e. Lagi akong ginagabi. Minsan nga lang sa trabaho. Nangangayayat na ako, sabi ni Kung Sino Man, at hinahayaan kong mawala ang sarili ko.

Hinayaan din kasi akong mawala...

***

Sa isang mundo ng mga sabi-ko-na-nga-ba, may nagiging pasaway, may nagugulat sa inaasahan, may hindi nagugulat sa di-inaasahan. At mas madalas -- may nasasagasaan.

***

Mag-menor ka naman
Mag-menor ka naman
Mag-menor ka naman
At ako'y nasasagasaan

***

Maayos naman ang gig namin sa Mag:Net noong Lunes. Medyo nagkaproblema sa drums, pero naayos din agad.

Sa mga nagsipunta: Kay Lauren, kina Juna at Judet, kina Randel, Kiko at mga co-fellow, kay Bache na humabol sa set namin, salamat. Pati kay Joel at sa Happy Mondays.

Sa susunod, magdadala na ako ng tula, oras na magka-tinta ulit ang ballpen ko.

***

Hindi ka pa mamamatay. Habang kaya pang bumalik, kaya pa, at dapat pang mabuhay.

Laban kung laban. Peksman, sugurin ka man niya (nila) diyan, susunod ako. Ipapakita ko sa kanilang lahat kung paano ang tunay na magmahal.

Reposting from LR's Multiply blog. Hey, I'm only 26; maybe I'd get to kiss a fish by the time I turn 35.

Level 1
(x) smoked a cigarette
(x) smoked a cigar
(x) done weed
(x) drank alcohol

SO FAR: 4

Level 2
(x) in/been in love
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
(x) been fired
(x) been in a fist fight

SO FAR: 9

Level 3
(x) snuck out of the house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) been arrested (sort of..haha!)
(x) made out with a stranger
(x) gone out on a blind date

SO FAR: 13

Level 4
(x) had a crush on an older person
(x) skipped school
( ) slept with a co-worker
(x) seen someone/something die

SO FAR: 16

Level 5
(x) had/have a crush on or liked one of ur friends
( ) been to Paris
( ) been to Spain
( ) been on a plane
(x) thrown up from drinking

SO FAR: 18

Level 6
(x) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
(x) met someone BECAUSE of multiply
(x) been mosh pitting

SO FAR: 21

Level 7
(x) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken pain killers
(x) love/loved someone who you cant have
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
( ) made a snow angel

SO FAR: 25

Level 8
( ) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
( ) gone puddle jumping
( ) played dress ups/cosplay

SO FAR: 27

level 9
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
( ) gone sledging
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school

SO FAR: 31

Level 10
( ) used a fake/someone else's ID
(x) watched the sun set
(x) felt an earthquake
(x) killed a snake

so far: 34

Level 11
(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed/vandalized
(x) robbed someone
(x) been misunderstood (Rar!)
( ) pet a deer

SO FAR: 38

Level 12
(x) won a contest
( ) been suspended from school (Good boy to!)
( ) had detention (Good boy talaga!)
(x) been in a car/motorcycle accident

SO FAR: 40

Level 13
( ) had/have braces
(x) eaten a whole tub of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu (I get this all the time.)
(x) danced in the moonlight

SO FAR: 43

Level 14
(x) hated the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime
(x) pole danced
(x) questioned your heart (Or my heart questions me. Basta.)
( ) been obsessed with post-it notes

SO FAR: 47

Level 15
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
( ) been to the opposite side of the world
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like you were dying

SO FAR: 51

Level 16
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sang karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins

SO FAR: 56

Level 17
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
( ) kissed in the rain (Wanted to, still want to.)

SO FAR: 59

Level 18
( ) written a letter to Santa Claus (Family didn't care much about Santa. We had a belen, though.)
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) watched the sun set with someone you care/cared about
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach

SO FAR: 62

Level 19
(x) crashed a party
(x) have traveled more than 5 days with a car full of people
(x) gone rollerskating/blading
(x) had a wish come true

SO FAR: 66

Level 20
( ) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
( ) screamed "penis/dick" in class
( ) swam with dolphins

SO FAR: 66

Level 22
( ) got your tongue stuck to a pole/freezer/ice cube
( ) kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sex's clothes (For a play, I tell you. I was drugged.)
(x) sat on a roof top (At naninilip ng girls sa kabilang dorm. Hehe.)

SO FAR: 68

Level 23
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
(x) done/attempted a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 5 hours (Does working in eTel and CVG count?)
(x) stayed up all night

SO FAR: 72

Level 24
( ) picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
(x) had/been in a tree house
(x) are scared to watch scary movies alone

SO FAR: 75

Level 25
(x) believe in ghosts
(x) have/had more than 30 pairs of shoes throughout your life
( ) gone streaking
(x) gone to jail (Does posting bail for someone count?)

SO FAR: 78

Level 26
(x) played chicken
(x) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
(x) been easily amused

SO FAR: 82

Level 27
(x) caught a fish then ate it (At La Mesa Ecopark. And what is now North Olympus, when the area was a creek.)
( ) made a porn video (By myself? That's so Ron Jeremy.)
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x) cried so hard you laughed

SO FAR: 86

Level 28
(x) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
(x) forgotten someone's name
(x) slept naked
( ) French braided someones hair
(x) gone skinny dippin in a pool (Sa beach pa.)
(x) been kicked out of your house

SO FAR: 93

Level 30
(x) Rode on a roller coaster
(x) went scuba-diving/snorkeling
(x) had a cavity
(x) Black-mailed someone
(x) been black mailed

SO FAR: 98

Level 31
(x) Been used
(x) fell going up the stairs
( ) licked a cat
(x) bitten someone
(x) licked someone

TOTAL: 102